The 12 Days of Voldemas
by Professor Cassandra
Summary: In order to help celebrate his total awesomeness, The Dark Lord has composed twelve Christmas carols to make you pathetic Muggles sing as you praise his glory. Muahahaha and Happy Voldemas!
1. The 12 Days of Voldemas

**A/N: It's December 14 today, readers - exactly twelve days away from Christmas, and this year we're celebrating the Death Eater way! Every day until December 25 I'll be posting a new "Voldy carol," starting with the song I published last year: The 12 Days of Voldemas. The other eleven songs are totally new, and hopefully very funny, so be sure to check back often! Thanks!**

On the 1st day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

A Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 2nd day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Two elder wands

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 3rd day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Three pairs of hot pants,

Two elder wands,

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 4th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Four wads of gum,

Three pairs of hot pants,

Two elder wands,

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 5th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Five engagement riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings…

Four wads of gum,

Three pairs of hot pants,

Two elder wands,

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 6th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Six Carrie CDs,

Five engagement riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings (No thank you, Bella!),

Four wads of gum (How thoughtful, Rodolphus),

Three pairs of hot pants (Wow, Bella, just…wow.),

Two elder wands (Because just one won't do!),

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 7th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Seven Dark Lord pimp canes,

Six Carrie CDs (Really, she is just so awesome!),

Five engagement riiiiiiiiiings (I'm not really looking to settle down…),

Four wads of gum (Already chewed…great...),

Three pairs of hot pants (These had better be really stretchy!),

Two elder wands (Harry Potter is mine!!! That sounded wrong…),

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 8th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Eight tortured Muggles,

Seven Dark Lord pimp canes (They're evil _and_ pimp!),

Six Carrie CDs (And I don't even know his last name…),

Five engagement riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings (Don't give me that look, Rodolphus!),

Four wads of gum (Oooh, Orbit! My fave!),

Three pairs of hot pants (_No_, I will not try them on!),

Two elder wands (What about the elder swear?),

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 9th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Nine ugly toupees,

Eight tortured Muggles (Because un-tortured they're just lame),

Seven Dark Lord pimp canes (People will think I'm rich like Lucius!),

Six Carrie CDs (Don't cheat on her!)

Five engagement riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings (From Carrie? No, of course not…),

Four wads of gum (Holy crap, there's a tooth in that one!),

Three pairs of hot pants (_Sooooooo _wrong!),

Two elder wands (One for each of my oh-so-evil hands),

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 10th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Ten hair growth potions,

Nine ugly toupees (It beats being bald),

Eight tortured Muggles (Not so smart now, are you, Dr. Phil?)

Seven Dark Lord pimp canes (They see me rollin'…they hatin…)

Six Carrie CDs (Did I mention she's awesome?),

Five engagement riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings (Hey, this is the same one you gave Rodolphus!),

Four wads of gum (Will this really freshen my breath?),

Three pairs of hot pants (Bella, you have a sick mind!),

Two elder wands (I bet even Chuck Norris doesn't have these!),

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

On the 11th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Eleven stick-on noses (Oh...I feel so beautiful!),

Ten hair growth potions (Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the toupees?),

Nine ugly toupees (Please let the potion work…),

Eight tortured Muggles (Crucio! Ah, the holiday cheer!),

Seven Dark Lord pimp canes (I shall be known as V-Daddy Soulja Lord!),

Six Carrie CDs (I can't wait to do some Carrie-oke! Ha! I made a Carrie joke!),

Five engagement riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings… (awkwaaaaaaaard…),

Four wads of gum (Dentists recommend _this_?),

Three pairs of hot pants (Seriously, what is _wrong_ with you?),

Two elder wands (I can duel with one, and the other can be my backscratcher!),

And a Wormtail in a pear tree!

Last verse, people! Help me out here!

On the 12th day of Christmas my servants gave to me…

Twelve Ralph Fiennes posters (I don't know why, but I just love that guy!),

Eleven stick-on noses (Oh crap…it's stuck!),

Ten hair growth potions (Snape, you officially ROCK!),

Nine ugly toupees (Is it that noticeable?),

Eight tortured Muggles (Ha! I told them they'd won a free iPod!),

Seven Dark Lord pimp canes (You guys can be Da Horcruxes in Da Hood!),

Six Carrie CDs (The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog…that's hilarious!),

Five engagement riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings… (You can take those back now…),

Four wads of gum (Great, now I'll never chew gum again!),

Three pairs of hot pants (Yeah…take those back, too),

Two elder wands (Bring it on, Elmo!),

And a Wormtail in a pear treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Whew! My throat hurts.… Well, song's over now. Come along, Wormtail.…Wormtail, get out of that tree!


	2. Rodolphus the Red Faced Death Eater

**A/N: On the second day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer parody!~**

Rodolphus the red faced Death Eater

Had a very evil wife

And if you ever asked her

She would probably end his life

All of the other Death Eaters

Used to laugh and call him names

Because he would let Bellatrix

Control his life in every way

Then one foggy average night

Voldy came to say

"Your wife is stalking me tonight

Please remove her from my sight!"

Then Bellatrix still loathed him

And she shouted out loudly

Rodolphus the red faced death eater

My love for you is history!


	3. It's the Most Miserable Time of the Year

**A/N: On the second day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...a "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" parody!~ As sung by everyone's favorite emo potions master...Severus Snape!**

It's the most miserable time of the year

When my feet start a-dragging

And everyone's nagging me "be of good cheer"

It's the most miserable time of the year

It's the crap-crappiest season of all

Awful singing and dancing, and drunken fools prancing

I just want to bawl

It's the crap-crappiest season of all

There'll be parties with drinking

To stop me from thinking

And then I'll pass out in the snow

There'll be plenty of madness

To bring back the sadness

Of Christmases long, long ago

It's the most miserable time of the year

There'll be meaningless toiling

My rage will be boiling

When morons are near

It's the most miserable time of the year


	4. Killing Spells

**A/N: On the fourth day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...a Jingle Bells parody!~**

Dashing through the snow

On a Muggle killing spree

O'er the fields we go

Laughing maniacally (muahaha)

Bells on Wormtail ring

Filling hearts with fright

What fun it is to run and sing

A SLAYING song tonight!

Oh, killing spells, killing spells

Killing all the way

Oh what fun it is to murder the Muggles in our way – HEY!

Killing spells, killing spells

Killing all the way

Oh what fun it is to murder the Muggles in our way


	5. Muggles We Have Killed While High

**A/N: On the fifth day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...an "Angels We Have Heard on High" parody!~**

Muggles we have killed while high

Stumbling wasted o'er the plains

And the Muggles in reply

Echo cries of deepest pain

Vooooooooooooldemort

Totally awesome Dark Lord

Vooooooooooooldemort

Totally awesome Dark Lord

Servants, why this jubilee?

Why your Crucios prolong?

Why the awesome killing sprees

Which inspire our drunken songs?

Vooooooooooooldemort

Totally awesome Dark Lord

Vooooooooooooldemort

Totally awesome Dark Lord

Come to Voldy's lair and see

Him whom the Death Eaters sing

Come and have some firewhiskey

With the Dark Lord, evil king

Vooooooooooooldemort

Totally awesome Dark Lord

Vooooooooooooldemort

Totally awesome Dark Lord


	6. O Voldemort

**A/N: On the sixth day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...an "O Christmas Tree" parody!~ As sung by everyone's favorite crazy-obsessive witch, Bellatrix Lestrange!**

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

Thy butt is so attractive

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

Thy butt is so attractive

Thy blazing eyes, thy deathly glare

Thy slitted nose, thy lack of hair

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

I freaking LOVE you, Voldemort!

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

Much pleasure thou could'st give me

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

Much pleasure thou could'st give me

How often has thy sexy leer

Afforded me the greatest cheer

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

I freaking LOVE you, Voldemort!

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

Thy curses shine so brightly

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

Thy curses shine so brightly

When you attack some Mudblood scum

Your brilliant madness strikes me dumb

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

I freaking LOVE you, Voldemort!

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

Would you just freaking KISS me?

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

Would you just freaking KISS me?

Thou bidst me true and faithful be

I'll love and trust you endlessly

O Voldemort, O Voldemort

I freaking LOVE you, Voldemort!


	7. Here Comes Voldemort

**A/N: On the seventh day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...a "Here Comes Santa Claus" parody!~**

Here comes Voldemort, here comes Voldemort

Right down Voldemort lane

Bella and Wormtail and all the Death Eaters

Causing senseless pain

Spells are flying, children crying

All are filled with fright

Shield your family and say your prayers

Cause Voldemort comes tonight

Here comes Voldemort, here comes Voldemort

Right down Voldemort lane

He's got a wand that'll cause the deaths

Of boys and girls again

Hear those dark spells zip right past you

Oh what a terrible sight

So hide somewhere and cover your head

Cause Voldemort comes tonight

Here comes Voldemort, here comes Voldemort

Right down Voldemort lane

He doesn't care if you're rich or poor

He'll kill you just the same

Voldemort knows you're all blood traitors

That makes killing you right

So fill your hearts with hopeless fear

Cause Voldemort comes tonight

Here comes Voldemort, here comes Voldemort

Right down Voldemort lane

He'll come around when battle's done

And it's Voldy's time to reign

Peace on earth is Voldy's nightmare

He can't stand the light

So let's all run for our freaking lives

When Voldemort comes tonight


	8. Deck the Halls With Murdered People

**A/N: On the eighth day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...a "Deck the Halls" parody!~**

Deck the halls with murdered people

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Tis the season to be evil

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Draco, don your gay apparel

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Troll the ancient Voldy carol

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

See the blazing town before us

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Strike a match and join the chorus

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

This attack will be a scorcher

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Come, assist our Muggle torture

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Fast away this onslaught passes

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

I'll Avada all your…buttocks

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Bow before the Dark Lord Volders

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

Watch as all your houses smolder

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha


	9. Crucio, Crucio, Crucio

**A/N: On the ninth day of Voldemas, Cassandra (and her totally awesome e-buddy Vince, who gave her the idea for this one) gave to thee...a "Let It Snow" parody!~**

Oh, we Death Eaters are frightful

And we're violent, mean and spiteful

And since the Muggles have got to go

Crucio, Crucio, Crucio

We have no plans for stopping

Though the Muggles are quickly dropping

But our Voldemas spirit is low

So Crucio, Crucio, Crucio

When we finally make the kill

How I'll hate going out in the storm!

But if we set the Muggles on fire

All the way home I'll be warm

The Muggles are slowly dying

And their families are still good-bying

As long as we hate them so

Crucio, Crucio, Crucio


	10. Voldy the Dark Lord

**A/N: On the tenth day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...a "Frosty the Snowman" parody!~**

Voldy the Dark Lord

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named

With two slits for a nose

Hair that never grows

And two eyes of scarlet flame

Voldy the Dark Lord

Was defeated once they say

Love had made him go

But Death Eaters know

How he was reborn one day

There must have been dark magic

In that cauldron Wormtail found

For when the Dark Lord rose again

He began to strut around

Voldy the Dark Lord

Was alive as he could be

And his servants said

He could kill you dead

Even worse than you or me

Voldy the Dark Lord

Knew the Potter brat was there

So he said let's duel

It'll be real cool

Not that I'll be playing fair

Down in the graveyard

With a wand clutched in his hand

Shooting deadly spells

Giving Potter hell

Saying fight me if you can

Their spells collided in the air

Till Potter made it stop

And grabbed the portkey back to school

Disappeared with just a –pop-

Voldy the Dark Lord

Should've killed him right away

But the moron dueled

And was ridiculed

But he'll kill the brat some day

Thumpety thump thump

Thumpety thump thump

Look at Voldy go

Thumpety thump thump

Thumpety thump thump

Over the graves and bones


	11. Mudbloods Roasting and Violent Night

**A/N: On the eleventh day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee...TWO song parodies!~**

**Mudbloods Roasting on an Open Fire**

Mudbloods roasting on an open fire

Jack Frost nipping at their toes

Death Eaters dancing around the funeral pyre

And folks dressed up in evil cloaks

Everybody knows a murder and some Crucios

Help to make the season bright

Mudblood kids with no family in tow

Will find it hard to sleep tonight

They know that Voldy's on his way

He and all his dark followers ready to slay

And every Mudblood's child is going to cry

Annoying brats just don't seem to want to die

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To brats from one to ninety-two

Although it's been said many times, many ways,

An Avada Kedavra to you!

**Violent Night**

Violent night, gory night

All are dead, what a fight

Innards strewn across the battleground

Muggles screaming, rejoice at the sound

Sleep in eternal pieeeeeee…ces

Sleep in eternal pieces

Violent night, gory night

Wizards quake at the sight

Annoying losers, their lives such a bore

Have they never seen dead guys before?

Go back home to your baaaaasement

And tell your dear mum I said hi

Violent night, gory night

Darkness rules, screw the light

Emerald beams erupt from my wand

Screaming Avada Kedaaaavra

Now all the Muggles are deeeaaaad

Now all the Muggles are dead


	12. The 12 Days of Stalkermas

**A/N: On the twelfth day of Voldemas, Cassandra gave to thee…a brand new 12 Days parody!~ This one is sung by Bellatrix, with the comments in parentheses coming from the Dark Lord himself, whom she stalks.  
**

On the first day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

His miniature Voldemas tree

On the second day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Two purple thongs (Er…they were on sale!)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the third day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Three tubes of ointment (I had a rash, okay? I had a rash on my…er…I had a rash!)

Two purple thongs (Really, a Sickel a piece is a fantastic deal….)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the fourth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Four pairs of undies (Because I don't just wear thongs all the time, of course.)

Three tubes of ointment (Which I would really like to have back….)

Two purple thongs (And they are somewhat flattering….)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the fifth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Five nipple rings (UGH. It was ONE crazy weekend in Rio, and I had them removed, like, a week later!)

Four pairs of undies (What am I supposed to do now, run around naked? Was that your plan? I have a feeling that was your plan.)

Three tubes of ointment (In a bit of pain right now, thank you….)

Two purple thongs (Probably not the best idea at the moment.)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the sixth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Six dark red contacts (Dangit, Bella, those are expensive, okay??)

Five nipple rings (Some of those are extras, you know. I have three nipples just like everyone else.)

Four pairs of undies (Oh, you didn't find my Hulk undies, did you? VOLDY SMASH….)

Three tubes of ointment (Really, can I have those back? Some of the…other…things I did in Rio are catching up with me.)

Two purple thongs (They didn't have them in green.)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the seventh day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Seven fluffy pillows (Oh, great. I'll have a killer backache in the morning without those. Thanks so much for that, Bella.)

Six dark red contacts (My eyes are blue without those, Bella! BLUE! That's not very evil at all!)

Five nipple rings (Honestly, it seemed like a good idea at the time.)

Four pairs of undies (One shudders to think what she might be DOING with said undies….)

Three tubes of ointment (And that was the expensive stuff, too. I'm not made of money, you know!)

Two purple thongs (Now that I think of it, who _wouldn't_ want to see me in a purple thong?)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the eighth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Eight Twilight novels (Oh yeah? Well, what happens if I lose seven of them? I'd have one left, Bella. And I'd be the one laughing because I would be prepared!)

Seven fluffy pillows (I've been sleeping on those for fifteen years...I can't just get new pillows now, okay?? It just doesn't work that way!)

Six dark red contacts (Great. Now I'll have to resort to wearing my…glasses. Ugh. I friggin HATE looking like Potter!)

Five nipple rings (Ay Carumba….)

Four pairs of undies (At least now she can stop pestering me with that "Boxers or briefs?" crap….)

Three tubes of ointment (I am NOT a happy lord right now.)

Two purple thongs (Work it, Voldy, work it!)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the ninth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Nine discarded tissues (That's what I get for not putting a lock on my rubbish bin.)

Eight Twilight novels (And so the lion fell in love with the Dark Lord….)

Seven fluffy pillows (Oh, no really, no need to give those back or anything. These ROCK HARD sacks of CRAP I got at the dollar store will totally suffice….)

Six dark red contacts (Someone freakin' STEPPED on my blasted Potter glasses! Now what the crap am I supposed to do?)

Five nipple rings (Merlin, I hope she doesn't try to take the three I'm wearing now….)

Four pairs of undies (Joke's on you! The elastic was all stretched out of shape anyway!)

Three tubes of ointment (Um, are you gonna use that or just bow down and worship it?)

Two purple thongs (Wait…didn't I take some sexy photos in one of those thongs once…?)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the tenth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Ten sexy photos (Oh, MERLIN, no….)

Nine discarded tissues (I am NEVER getting sick again!)

Eight Twilight novels (Oh, Edward, you dazzle me!)

Seven fluffy pillows (Um, I can explain about those stains….)

Six dark red contacts (I can't legally fly without those! I'm frickin' BLIND, okay?)

Five nipple rings (If you like pina coladas…and getting caught in the rain….)

Four pairs of undies (Really, Bellatrix, you have some serious issues to work out.)

Three tubes of ointment (I ought to Avada your sorry buttocks…which, coincidentally, is RASH-FREE as far as I know!)

Two purple thongs (If I recall, these also made the trip to Rio….)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Eleven tiny nose hairs (I was gonna superglue those to the top of my head!)

Ten sexy photos (Those were meant for me and only me!)

Nine discarded tissues (You are a sick, sick person, you really are.)

Eight Twilight novels (One for every day of the week, AND one extra. Thank you very much.)

Seven fluffy pillows (Well, I hope you sleep well tonight, knowing I'm tossing and turning on these CRAPPY DOLLAR STORE PILLOWS YOU MADE ME BUY….)

Six dark red contacts (I gave my grandmamma a kiss today…. Turned out to be Wormtail….)

Five nipple rings (Which reminds me, I should be thankful my weekend in Rio at least wasn't quite as crazy as dear old Grandmamma's….)

Four pairs of undies (If you took my Superman undies, I swear to Merlin….)

Three tubes of ointment (Please…please…have mercy….)

Two purple thongs (Wait, that was the leopard print thong that went to Rio….)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas I stole from my Voldy

Twelve chewed gum pieces (Orbit! For a good clean feeling…no matter what!)

Eleven tiny nose hairs (It took me forever to pluck those…and it hurt like heck….)

Ten sexy photos (Really, I had no intention of those ever reaching the general public…or YOU.)

Nine discarded tissues ('S not cool, Bella…. Get it? Snot? Er…yes…I'll shut up now….)

Eight Twilight novels (Why didn't I splurge and get nine?)

Seven fluffy pillows (Come on, Bella, the Dark Lord needs his beauty sleep….)

Six dark red contacts (I can't even see the Muggles I kill…. What fun is that?)

Five nipple rings (Can we, um…never mention that again?)

Four pairs of undies (You'd think I would own more than four pairs, wouldn't you?)

Three tubes of ointment (Is the song almost over? Cause I really do need that back.)

Two purple thongs (This is worse than last Christmas!!)

And his miniature Voldemas tree

**A/N: Thanks for reading, and have a very merry Voldemas! Until next year, farewell!**


End file.
